Painting Jessica Stein

The past year or two of my life has felt really stagnant. A lot of anxiety, sleepless nights. The transition into single motherhood (despite the fact that Lliam and I split custody) has been more challenging than expected. But I honestly feel like a lot of that 'heaviness' comes from a huge healing process I'm going through on top of all the life crap. It's hard to describe and no one needs to know all the details, lol. ;)

When you hear or think about spiritual growth or awakening, you see the peaceful meditators on the mountain top and just expect that suddenly they're walking on water. Spiritual awakening actually feels like a clusterfuck of high highs and low lows. Anxiety, confusion, release, surrender... It often, to me, feels like just complete overwhelm. Followed by, "WHEEEE!!! I'VE GOT THIS!!!" Then, grief comes up. Things that need to heal come up. And when one thing cracks you open, it seems to crack open 17 other things... delightful.

At the very least, I'm crazy proud of my courage to accept the challenge. It feels like a mess and a dumpster fire sometimes but Spirit often reminds me of how far I've come. And when the low lows hit, I've learned to acknowledge that they're just temporary. I'm learning to balance my emotions. That's new. And that's a win, Amanda.

All that to say, part of the healing process has led me to painting!!! It's something I've always wanted to do-- the idea of throwing paint around a canvas with wild abandon has always sounded really fun and freeing. But whenever I looked up art classes, they were always, "Copy what I did" and sometimes do it with wine. (Not at all knocking any of that-- that can be super fun, too!) But I was really looking for a way to express myself and feel free. Kind of like how going to one of those 'smash stuff' rooms sounds about right as well, lol.

Well, miraculously, a few videos showed up on my youtube feed at the perfect time. Here are the materials you need, this is what I use, make it your own, etc. While I have 146 different creative loves, I was just craving something fresh and knew.

And here is how my interaction went with Spirit, as written by the great C.S. Lewis.

Spirit was whispering, 'DO ITTTTT.'

And I was all, "But I've got all these other things I've already invested in?!"

Spirit-- "DO ITTTTT.'

Me-- "SERIOUSLY?? We're shifting gears AGAIN? How bout you show up for what I've already put time into?!! HOW BOUT THAT, Y'ALL?!!!"

Spirit-- "Oh, we're goin' there again, huh?"

Me-- "Maybe!!!!"

Spirit-- *crickets*

Me-- "UGH... Do you know how stupid this is gonna make me feel? Trying for something else again I'm just going to fail at in front of everyone? Key word-- AGAIN!!!"

Spirit-- "Don't care. Also, it's gonna make you feel amaaaazing."

Me-- *crickets*

Spirit-- "May I remind you that this is something you actually, like... want to do. Why are you keeping yourself from joy? There's a question."

Me-- "Well, for starters, it's expensive and I'm out of money!!!"

Spirit-- "Remember when you bought your camera for the last $1500 you had on you, followed your heart and it changed your life? No regrets?"

Me-- "Ohhhh, snap.... Okay. It's one of those things."

Spirit-- "It's one of those things. No regrets."

Me-- "Alright, alright, alright..."

Spirit-- "Channeling Matthew McConaghey, I like it. You knowwww... While we're at itttt... Maybe you could just playyyy with the idea of listening to your intuition from the start next time."

Me-- *eye twitches* "Choice words are about to come out..."

Spirit-- "Just saying..."

Me-- "Camila Cabello says it best in her song Psychofreak, 'FEEL LIKE AN ALIEN. EARTH IS HARD!!!'"

Spirit-- "We know, Sweet Pea. You're doing AWESOME!! And we LOVE YOU!! But also the messiness is the best part. It means you're trying for something. You're living. You're experiencing. What a cool thing to sign up for!"

Me-- ".........Truth."

Spirit-- "Alright, go get your paints. Ohhhh... the stuff this is gonna heal in you."

Me-- "Really? Cool."

Spirit-- "You've no idea how the simplest things can create huge shifts."

Me five days later-- "OH MY GOD, IT'S CHANGING EVERYTHING!!!!"

Spirit-- "Yeahhhhh..."

So I picked up paints and canvases from the cheapest local art store and I haven't been able to stop.

What's interesting is the stuff it's bringing up in me. Painting triggers memories back to a time in high school where I felt very alone. All of my close friends lived 2 & 1/2 hours away and I'd stay home listening to sad music, writing letters to people, pining for guys I had crushes on-- making things for them, knowing nothing about reciprocity or equal give and take. Making no demands for myself, expecting nothing in return. I was a true, over-giving co-dependent with a huge and compassionate heart that just wanted love. Just wanted to make somebody's day. (Probably because I so desperately just wanted someone to want to make MY day). OOF. Just to clarify-- nobody's fault but my own.

I did this to escape my loneliness and existence, numb and escape, rather than show up in the present to create a very real life for myself in my every day reality. (Things you know now! *facepalm*) At least I was being creative? lol

There are lots of ways I've been able to express myself over the years but painting hits different. This time I put on my music of choice-- sometimes the same song on repeat-- and create for me. FOR ME, B*TCHES!!! :) I create because it's what I want to explore and the story I want to tell. It's an escape at it's most healthy. Channeling my inner Jessica Stein (minus the lesbianism- ha!) and really enjoying an evening! Giving back to myself and my power pack, making nice things FOR ME. *swoon* #SoRomantic

I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know if my shit is good. I don't care! It's not about being good. It's about expression. And healing. And FUN!! And my little inner four year old is HERE FOR THE PARTY!! And now my daughter LOVES to paint, too... And slowly I see myself becoming the mom I want to be. Yes, kid, explore these colors! Sure, why not add more paint-- it'll take a month to dry, no big, lol. Let's go howl under the moon next and talk to the fireflies!! It's like I've had my Playfulness in a box for a really long time. And I LOVE to see her out and about, being a giant goober. Dressing me differently. Expressing me differently. Showing up in the world where I feel authentic and free. Who am I now? Who am I now? Who am I now? What a question that makes me feel ALIVE!!!

It's an act of pleasure, sensuality and romanticism that woos me. Finding a kindred spirit in myself again. It's powerful stuff!! And if I sound like a fruit loop? "SO BE IT, AUNT LILY!!" (That's an 'Easter Bunny is Coming to Town' reference right there. #LIKEABOSS)

So much more I could say and probably will eventually... But in the meantime, I'd love for you to check out my new site and see what I've been up to. (Yes, a website. Y'all should know by now I can't do anything without being an entrepreneur about it, lol). And buy a painting!!! Omg, this stuff is so expensive!!!

https://mandi0459.wixsite.com/mandijsmithart

And if you don't want to buy a painting but DO want to contribute to my new crack habit, by all means donate to the cause here!!!! lol

Anyway... love you all. And if there's anything you've been toying with (sometimes for years) that you tell yourself is stupid, or you make excuses for, giving yourself reasons not to try it out... GO F*CKING DO IT!!!! That is an order!! A direct message channelled from Spirit, Matthew McConaughey and C.S. Lewis. And my inner child. And Jessica Stein. (Minus the lesbianism). ;)

WHEEEEEE!!!!