WHERE THE 44 WILD THINGS ARE

Before I began painting, I would pull the following card A LOT in my own tarot readings. She who is WILD... Untamed, wild, mysterious. It's a reinvention card for me. A card of 'no f*cks given.' A card of getting outside the box of ALL you know to be true about yourself. *shudders* A card of such divinely inspired authenticity that we are completely unafraid to express ourselves, and sure as hell not afraid of the opinions of others. And I LOOOOOVE HERRRRRRRR!!! (And I hate that there's no emojis on Wix. Oh, the emojis I would use, lol).

"I'm savage... classy, bougie, ratchet..." --Megan Thee Stallion :)

Whenever this WILD card comes out for my clients, I always get really excited. As I always say to them, "For some of us that can be taking a different way to work, or for others, it can be howling at the moon!" To which their eyes fill with panic and I have to say, "Whatever it means for you! Be curious and playful about it. Let it marinate!" And then they breathe again, lol. :)

I'm more of a moon howler, myself, but I wasn't always. Once upon a time, I was painfully aware of the opinions of others. I liked staying in my lane. Feeling like an outsider all of my life, all I ever wanted was to fit in, so to go my own path? NO THANKS, lol. If you ever told me I'd dance under a full moon or dive into the ocean fully clothed just to feel alive, I'd probably tell you, "Yeah, I'm not a really a 1990's Drew Barrymore kind of gal, but by all means, have fun flashing David Letterman!" lol

A very sensitive kid, I was an intense people pleaser. I didn't understand that being in certain energy effected me so deeply. Or how being in the energy of others could effect me on profound levels. I was living an inauthentic life without even knowing it. Saying yes to versions of myself, making life choices based on the desires of others. Making choices to make others feel okay. So that I could be okay.

Now? I literally could not care less. lol Of course I respect and listen to the opinions of others, I don't know everything!! #LAME But ultimately... As much as I can in my humanity, I make my own choices and follow my own inner compass, full stop. #NoRegerts People get used to it and those who don't-- as we say in comedy-- 'aren't your audience.' To me, there is nothing in this world that feels better than freedom.

All that to say, this current reinvention hits a bit different. I've never experienced SUCH an intense rebirth before. This is literally a 'rebranding' of every facet of my life. #NOBIG There's a before and an after to this time. As I also tell my clients, "You're not who you were 20 years ago, 10 years ago, 5 seconds ago... So who are you NOW?" I'm leaning into this as best I can. Who am I now? Who am I outside of everything I know to be true about myself? I truly have a complete blank slate. We all do if we so choose!

Also, our dreams change. The choices we make no longer resonate. Now what? We uncover deeper parts of ourselves that long so intensely for freedom, to be seen, to feel alive, that burn so hot we have no other choice but to throw ourselves into a new fire to be forged into something new. Much to the chagrin, sometimes, of the world and people around us. Not everyone likes a new you! #TRUST But from personal experience, you will love this new you so deeply, you'll get your life out of it. Your inner four year old will feel SO seen, SO validated, SO loved, SO safe, SO happy... you'll never want to betray yourself again. As it IS a betrayal of self. (Oof... Let THAT steak marinate).

Okay, folks, we're getting too deep now, lol. The whole point of this was to share what wild has meant for me, if this mic is still on with an audience still out there. lol So here it goes... as my 44th birthday approaches...

Letting this idea of 'wild' marinate... I wanted to come up with a list of things-- inspired actions I could take-- that might get me outside of the box of who I've been. As I began making lists, I realized that my 'wild ideas' aren't necessarily wild. Much to your dismay, there will be no writhing on the ground in pig's blood-- wah, wah! ;) But I discovered how much I LOVE to experience things. Something like painting, I'd wanted to do for years but pushed it aside for time, financial constraints, stick to the creative outlets you already know, for the love of God make some money, etc. But once I started, I really felt my life began to change and shift.

So, for me... something wild is to actually start doing all the things I've wanted to do that I've pushed to the side. What isn't wild is the same old, same old routine of reasons why I can't or shouldn't. I make a lot of bold choices already-- that maybe wild, for me, is just to allow myself to experience what I want.

It's also interesting a lot of acting/performing stuff came up. And I was quick to be like, "Yeah, yeah, I've done all of that stuff before." But the thing is, I don't do it now. Diving into the why, I think I'm scared to put myself out there again like that. Like, everyone is crazy in their 20's. But to do it in your 40's for fun? People are just gonna think you want attention, they're gonna think you're pathetic, like grow up, you're immature, you're having a nervous breakdown, etc.

And when I realized I was caring what people would think, that was a moment for me like, "WTF happened to you???" In my 20's I was ALWAYS laughing. Always being an idiot. Picking up my sister from the airport dressed like a raccoon hunter. #TrueStory There's something that stops my true authentic weirdness sometimes and I don't like it. This level of weirdness wasn't meant to be hidden. It's God given. Why couldn't I just be Isabella from Encanto making the pretty flowers all the time, am I right? lol NOPE... I get to write the comedy sketch about how the first female sperm won the egg race and created lesbians. #ItHappens

ALSO... to have the energy to be lighthearted and fun sounds like soooo much energy. What the actual hell is that???? Can I pump myself up enough to film a goofy monologue? Well, you're gonna, sister, cause laughing breeds laughing and lightness breeds lightness. I've really lost a lot of my joy feeling isolated and being an 'adult.' Experiencing a lot of hard things, the postpartum health issues, etc. Well, it's MY fresh start and I get to do whatever the fuck I want. I even get to say the word fuck without putting a star in it. Fuck the f*ck!!!! lol

A couple notes... My big main goal and what I'm saying a big, hard yes to is: Anytime I come up with an idea where I get concerned what someone else might think, I HAVE TO FUCKING DO THAT SHIT. Second, I'm not adding oversees travel to this list as it's such a DUH thing for me, seeing the world as much as humanly possible-- for vacation, to tell stories with my camera, all the things. I don't need a list for that, lol. Word?

Okay, my friends... With all that said.... Here's my starter list. And by all means, if somebody wants to zipline and treasure hunt in Costa Rica, CALL ME.

Here we go: WHAT 'WILD' IS FOR ME (ongoing)

1) Learn to ride a motorcycle

2) Treasure hunt or ghost hunt. Anything that makes me feel like I'm Indiana Jones!! lol

3) More weekend away trips-- New Orleans, Chicago, NYC, Austin, etc. Or maybe visit sacred places in the US? Go on a spiritual retreat in sedona? More camping! 4) Learn to change the oil in my car

5) Guitar & drum lessons (I have to start over, I can't tune my guitar, lol)

6) Sing more-- voice lessons? Duet tik toks? Record somehow the songs that you write, write more songs

7) Shop for/buy lingerie just because

8) Film monologues and post them (revisit the girl unafraid to get onstage in my 20's)

9) Get the two shoulder/back tattoos you want

10) Dye your hair a crazy color- All blue? Bright red?

11) Dating for fun, not for relationships (this one feels impossible, lol)

12) Language classes-- French, Italian, German, etc.

13) Stargazing regularly & often

14) Find somewhere to just scream my head off

15) Pack in and out somewhere for a weekend

16) Finish your book/ Go on a writer's retreat

17) Study with a shaman or mentor

18) Live overseas for a year (This is totally going to happen at some point, I feel it in my guts)

19) Go on a cruise

20) Make a tarot deck

21) Use my camera more to express myself however I want, create more beauty

22) Go out in the world and speak all day with some kind of accent- ha!

23) Skydiving (If my doc doesn't think my heart will explode)

24) Dance classes-- pole/heels, tap dancing, hip hop, etc.

25) Climb a couple mountain tops

26) Get in really great shape (train hard for something like you're in Alias or going to be an Avenger, lol)

27) Wear dresses, hats, scarves, weird shit you really like, dress like a randy Italian housewife that lives in a vineyard lol YESSSSSSS...

28) Get out from behind the camera and put yourself out there as a model in your photography group

29) Get off medication so you can drink more wine while making pretty pasta like @CookingwithFiona on instagram

30) Volunteer somewhere

31) Get rid of everythinggggg in your house

32) Stretch more & become more flexible

33) Dance often, wildly and regularly. POST THAT MOMMY TUMMY, GIRL.

34) Take more mediumship classes

35) Buy sex toys (How to Build a Sex Room on Netflix, y'all, SO GOOD!!! Very informative! Save your marriages, you're welcome! lol)

36) Go kayaking, get out on water more, get to the beach, etc.

37) Find an herbology/pagan/ritual/moon cycles/witch group

38) Eat plant based more regularly

39) Fall and be in love with my body

40) Jewelry making classes

41) Continue abstract painting, try for things, really push myself to forge not follow

42) More cross country skiing, more deep snow!!

43) Live in a really cool or unusual apartment/loft

44) Make peace with spiders and the other bugs in my house. Talk to them like friends. Embrace your inner Giselle. lol

BONUS: Flash David Letterman. ;)

And if y'all would like to help me do any of these things... then by all means, find me below. Let me know in the comments what's on YOUR list??!! What does wild mean for you??? :) :) :)